find myself on a dating site, communicating with a dozen or so men at once? Is it any wonder that I can find a personal connection with nearly every man I talk to? They find it extraordinary, of course, this connection, but to me this connection is quite ordinary and without it, I’d feel lost. I root into people, if you will, and as a result, most of my relationships in life have been intensely meaningful and sometimes just intense. :)

Currently I am dating the opposite personality type, an ISTJ (Introverted, Sensing, Thinking, Judging). Normally I gravitate to other NFs, other Idealists who live their starry-eyed life with the same intensity and temporality that I live mine. This has sparked many beautiful relationships but I’m starting to wonder if I might have been barking up the wrong tree. Maybe an ISTJ is for me?

So, ISTJ Guy. I’ll call him “Ansel.” He’s a definite ISTJ. He’s a man of routines, a man who is somewhat uncomfortable with change, is energized doing solitary things (such as mountain biking)

and lives primarily in his head. So normally these characteristics might annoy me, but with him they intrigue me. I want to know more, I want to get into that head and understand what he thinks and – deeper still – what he may feel. I have begun to feel that Ansel is the Yang to my Yin, a total opposite in some ways but in other ways a perfect complement (is it a coincidence that I’m White and he’s Black?). In fact, according to socionics, a school of thought on these personality tests, ENFJ-ISTJ matches are the best for romantic relationships. Hurrah for duality!

However, Ansel and I experienced a minor bump recently which was smoothed over as quickly as it arose. Let me start by telling you the background. Two weeks ago, he favorited my profile, I looked at his profile, and interest blossomed, turning into at least five emails a day peppered with sweet nothings like “Hello, beautiful!” and “damn, you’re lifting me off my feet.” We joked about Date #7 before we even had our first date. And of course it helped that he was good friends with two of my good friends and that we had seen each other in passing at parties, but had never talked. Suddenly, in this very small world, we had found each other online.

However, as my typical ENFJ self gravitated further and further towards him, and as I excitedly began chattering about where we could go next, Ansel’s ISTJ self began retracting, feeling just that little bit of smothering that sends men running as fast as they can in the opposite direction. I watched him retreat and asked what was up. He more or less told me he was confused and didn’t believe I liked him. He wanted to maintain an air of mystery, not be “found out.” But I had already read him well, despite knowing him for just over a week and when I astutely told him characteristics I had recognized in him (his care for others, his humility, his occasional insecurity and lack of trust). Ansel was shocked, he told me, that I had known this much about him. So he freaked, wondered if we might be better friends?

A day or two later, after a few bewildering emails, I called him. That was tonight. Immediately, upon hearing his voice, I knew everything would be all right. The fears on both our sides were expressed, he was expressive about his emotions (a challenging thing for him, I know) and I heard and understood that I should give him some space to sort out his own feelings for me on his own time. It went so smoothly that I couldn’t help but wonder how our personalities could differ so much.

Anyway, Ansel and I have just successfully navigated our first difficult conversation and I feel healthier for it. Ansel is special, there are few like him in my life, and I am looking forward to knowing him more. He’s a definite frontrunner.

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