Sex is something I don't really talk about in my book because it affects what stores will sell it, I have to consider "the bottom line".  Moreover, Americans don't need to talk about sex on TV because we don't have problems with teen pregnancy, pornography, or sexual dysfunction. This country is perfect, a population of people living in sexual bliss. Plus, why clog up the airwaves with talk about sex when we can watch stories on murder, war, and reality shows, far more up lifting if you ask me. 

At the risk of boring you "locals", there may be some foreigners reading these blogs and I would be amiss to not reach out to them. For all of you from the planet Uranus, this ones for you.

Let's start by getting the facts straight:

1. Sex is miserable. Millions of years of evolution made the act of sex unpleasant, so much so,we never think about it. Nature does NOT want us to have sex.

2. Sex before marriage is just plain wrong. Everyone should get married, have sex once every other month, have children, and spend the rest of their days mowing the lawn and washing dishes, it's the way god intended it. There is NO population problem so you should have as many kids as you want. Plus, any body can be a good parent, it's wicked easy and super inexpensive.

3. Condoms feel great and, besides, STD's are something the pharmaceutical companies fabricated to keep us buying over priced medication

4. Sex is natural and you will never need to practice or communicate with your partner to make it good. You may as well think of sex like plugging in a light, just stick in the prongs and, voila, "you're enlightened".  You should believe what all the liberal hippie types say about sex. Please disregard the fact that they don't look like they have sex and, when they describe it, it disgusts even the most perverse. Keep your blinders on folks.

5. You can be super overweight, bone skinny, un-bathed, unshaved, and slovenly, it's all the same to your partner. Sex has never been about an in shape body or stamina. There is no difference between sex and sexy.

6. There are no taboos when it comes to sex, in America at least. It is completely normal for a man to dress up like Kermit the Frog and have intercourse with an Asian prostitute, a woman to tie up another woman and bull whip her while she screams, "harder". This is why so many American, German, and Japanese men have to travel to foreign countries to sodomize under-aged girls and boys, it's taboo over there.

7.  If you have sex on the first date men will think of you as "the one" and immediately start a subscription to Brides magazine and pick out flower arrangements that are color coordinated with the brides maid's dresses.

8. Routine sex in the same position, in the same room, with the same person, on the same day of the week is the just the best.

9. Having sex with a complete stranger is ok but never open up to them emotionally or ask any questions about who they are or make any attempt to get to know them.

10. Kissing and cuddling are NOT part of sex. Sex is mechanical and as long as the "gears are greased" feel free to step on the gas and get it over with.

If you can follow the "Ten Commandments" I've listed above, you are on your way to a happy and healthy sex life. 

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