The oldest woman I banged before Old Yeller was 31 (Now over 40).

I met her while waiting for VK at a bar in Arlington.

We were supposed to be rendezvousing with this girl and her friend so I tagged along as wing for the night.

As I’m waiting, a slew of talent walks by. I ponder my lost opportunity and see a huge obese arm hurdling toward my beer out of the corner of my right eye.

“Hey! Beer thief!”

I grab the glass and give her a very exaggerated glare. The fat girl has a cute skinny friend. They both laugh and immediately come onto me.

“I figured you were trying to roofy me and I was thinking, not again…”

Fatty didn’t see this for the insult it was (or ignored it) so I continued to escalate with her friend while entertaining the war pig.

Things are moving along nicely when I feel a tap on my left shoulder.

“Yo!”

I introduce VK to the ladies and then he goes off and does his thing. We’re meeting his girl a bit later at a different bar so this is the perfect time to snatch up some numbers. They make some comment about how young I am. I ask their ages and they tell me to guess.

“Under thirty.”

Fatty seems annoyed but Old Yeller seems overjoyed.

“I’m 34.”

I take a closer look.

“Wow, you look pretty good for 34.”

“Hah aww thanks.”

She makes some comment to fatty about how she dates guys 10 years younger than her. I am unfazed, though I didn’t think she was that old until she said something. She probably could have passed for 29.

Fatty moves up to the bar to buy a drink so I pull out my phone and get Old Yeller’s digits. I find out she’s a divorcee to some military guy who bored the shit out of her.

Not long after they tell me they’ve got to run. As fatty is paying her tab I move in for the kiss.

Sideswiped to the cheek.

“Oh? I think you can do better than that.”

I force the kiss and she reacts by pulling me in closer for a much longer kiss.

“Wasn’t expecting that.”

I could hear the southern twang in her voice. It does the trick.

I see them off and immediately open a group of girls walking by. I hit it off with the blonde in the group but forget to get her number as her friends drag her somewhere else.

VK tells me his girls are ready for us so I track down the blonde, get her number, and we bounce to the next place.

Things are going well with my chick but wasn’t sure how my wing was doing. She’s from Tennessee, has a great southern accent, and buys us all shots before we head to another part of the bar… for more rounds… and more shots. VK bounces at one point but things are still moving along nicely with my girl. Her friend decides to leave so we end up moving to the next room to shoot some pool. I escalate a bit with kino and get a small make out session going before we get kicked out at closing.

She refuses to come home with me because she’s visiting from out of town (to return for the summer). Apparently her friend told her she had to go home with them and I’m unable to talk her out of it. Fine, whatever. I head over to grab some pizza and almost end up initiating Feminazis Part Deux with a guy and his girlfriend while waiting in line. I couldn’t tell you what was said, but based on the reception afterward I was in the right.

Both Tennessee and Old Yeller text me the next day. I wait another day for the blonde before texting her.

Old Yeller is texting me often and fairly aggressively. She reveals during this time that she doesn’t drink and is anal about grammar. Luckily, my skills are pretty sharp.

After a few days she invites me out to dinner. I choose the place and time and we meet up. I found out she’s pretty funny, a real freak, and she doesn’t want marriage or kids. +1

She reveals that she thought I was a pretty serious guy at first and that she was taken aback when I went for the kiss as early as I did… but in a good way.

Somehow the topic of sex sneaks in and she wonders what it would be like to fuck me. Wow, very forward. This goes on for some time until the logistics come into play. I decide to follow her back to her place because I have work early in the morning. She’s down.

Not even 5 minutes into her apartment and she’s riding me every which way. After I fucked her once I excused myself to the bathroom and when I came out I said, “5 minutes.”

“5 minutes until what?”

“Until I fuck you again.”

I’ve never heard any girl so excited in her life to have sex twice in one night.She loved it. I’d also never heard so many “wows” or “oh my gods” before.

Before round two I turned on the magic fingers…

…Now you know how she earned her nickname.

Her bed was slamming the wall so loud we literally had to stop and move it a few times just to keep the neighbors from filing a noise complaint. She wasn’t really getting me off this go around so I pulled her hair while taking her from behind.

The entire building probably knew what was going on at this point because even my ears were ringing now.

By the time we were finished she was ready to pass out. She told me that was the best sex she’d ever had.

“5 minutes.”

“OMG you’re serious aren’t you.”

“Nah I’m tired as shit actually. I need to sleep.”

I decide to sleep there and drive home in the morning. It’s already almost 2am and I don’t feel like doing anything at this point.

After half an hour of neither of us being able to sleep we start talking. She tells me I can go home if I want to but I’m not going anywhere. Then she reveals that she can’t stop thinking about me fucking her. She goes to the bathroom and unbeknownst to her, I grab another condom. By the time she gets back I’m ready to go again.

She can hardly believe it.

More loud noises.

Pop goes the weasel.

Ready for bed.

I wake up in 2 hours and drive home. She confesses that she hopes I’ll call her again and not let this just be a one night thing. She also really likes to talk dirty and get her hair pulled. Noted.

I give her a wink and tell her I’ll think about it. It’s been a while since I’ve gone all night like that.

[Just kidding. The ex-LTR had come over the night before and we banged it out in my room a few times before she knocked over every fucking thing while getting rammed in the shower.]

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