“Nice back on the saddle”, my buddy Virgle Kent texted to me after my first +1 in months.

I was on the “rebound” so to speak, as I struggled to emotionally detach myself from a girl who I’d grown too accustomed to banging and hanging out with on the regular. Although the Asian Groupie and the ex had recently come back into the mix, I was hungry and on the prowl for new pussy. Which means of course, one Sunday afternoon I hit up OKCupid for some easy dates.

The fourth chick I messaged took only five minutes to respond. Two hours and half a dozen messages later I invited her to join me Wednesday night for a drink… to which she replied, “Wednesday, not so good. I’m on call at work until late on Wednesday and Thursday. What about Friday?”

Just how simple was this going to be? I knew full well that any girl suggesting a Friday night date obviously had nothing else going on… which meant she had high bang potential. I gave her my number and told her to text me if she got lost.

Unlike the raging alcoholic I’d been a few months before, I managed to show up on time with only two drinks already in my system (the third probably just hadn’t hit me yet). It was one of my usual spots and I planned to bounce after an hour or so to my regular transition bar down the street.

She (an 8 easily) showed up in a short, low cut black dress and 4″ heels.

Good girl.

I was scrambling to find us seats when I saw her, since this particular bar was often a pain in the ass if you weren’t able to get a spot early. It didn’t matter though, because I managed to steal a stool from a random male gay couple.

We hit it off immediately. I could literally feel the rust crumbling away from my body and falling into a heap. My game was as strong as ever, I seriously didn’t even have to try.

By the time we shifted to my favorite dark, self-proclaimed “upscale hipster” bar she was already eating my face on the couch. We got up to dance and grabbed another round of drinks.

Me: “Ready to get out of here?”

Her: “Mmhmm.”

Ok so the sex wasn’t great, but it rarely is the first time around. Do I blame her? Yeah she seemed used to playing the ragdoll part a little too much and wasn’t as flexible as I’m used to… but the girl had that 18 year old looking punani and the tightness to match. This proved to be trouble for me.

Condom + Above Average Snake Size + Tight/Dry Snatch = A Recipe for Discomfort

When I was actually able to maneuver my way in, I couldn’t even stay inside. Her apparent lack of experience wasn’t helping.

Jesus Christ girl, stop moving already.

By the time we finally got up to speed she was complaining about pain. We took a break, I grabbed the lube, and got back to work.

Her: “Did you take the condom off?”

Oops.

I came (once) in the 4th condom, but she kept going and wouldn’t get off.

Me: “I hope you’re on birth control.”

Her (firmly): “I am.”

The condom was half empty by the time I pushed her off of me (but I gotta give her credit, she really knew how to ride and suck a dick).

Oh well, let’s hope she’s telling the truth.

I cooked us breakfast in the morning. Bacon, cheese omelets, and mimosas (the whole bottle).

She was cute and I wanted to keep it cool, otherwise I would have kicked her ass out (like I “joked” about earlier that morning in bed). It was around 11am and my [male] roommate passed by us on the way out with his ugly long distance girlfriend. *vomit*

I led her to the living room couch where we made out and fooled around for a bit.

Yeah it was nearly noon on the weekend but I was in one of those moods and the sex the night before mediocre at best… give me a fucking break ok?

I got her naked and banged her raw against the couch until my thighs were red and burning with rug burn. We fell asleep.

*BAM*

The door downstairs opened and we heard footsteps coming up the stairs.

Shit. Fuck. Hahaha.

Still completely naked, I grabbed a blanket and threw it over the two of us. It was completely obvious (our clothes were sprawled out all over the floor near us), so I don’t know why but she ducked her head and everything underneath.

My guy roommate, a ridiculously conservative beta with a hideous (but thin) girlfriend reached the top of the stairs but stopped and stared instead of continuing up to the next floor. With my naked upper torso still uncovered, he greeted me like an idiot.

Him: “Hey.”

Me: “Hey.”

Him: “…We’re gonna go upstairs now.”

We both laughed as soon as they were gone. When the couple appeared again a few minutes later (apparently leaving for a camping trip), we were both fully clothed and had a perfectly normal conversation.

Fucking weird man…

But hey, I’m back yo.

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